About Writing
Writing. Why is it hard? I have been wanting to write since when? I bought nice notebooks and even digital typewriters, but I have yet to put words on paper or screen.
Writing. Writing is just putting words down, right? Apple. Pear. Orange. Banana. This is writing. However, I'm still putting it off. Every day, every week, I tell myself I should write.
I claim to be a writer before I even start writing. How dangerous that is. The ironic thing is that even though most people have functioning hands and a functioning brain, not everyone is a writer. I remember once reading a quote that says, “If you run, you are a runner.” It's true, but not everyone runs. You will literally hear people say, “I am not a runner”. Having functioning legs does not make you a runner. Having fingers and literacy do not make you a writer. Having eyes does not make you a reader. I get it. You are not what you say or think you are. You are what you do.
We put labels on people, but little do we see that labels are seldom permanent. On my employment document, I am a “scientist,” but when I am out of the lab, reading a novel, or writing my essay, am I still a scientist? No, I am not. I stream my gameplay sometimes. When I do that, I am a streamer. But I have not done that in a while. I am not a streamer —not until I restart doing that someday. I am currently writing this essay, and I am a writer now. Later, I will be taking a shower, I am a... shower. Okay, that's quite a lame joke. You see, I say it's a lame joke, but secretly I think that it's a good joke — I liked it.
Okay, going back to writing. I see that I am already at 300 words. Writing is really that simple. Put. Letters. On Paper. String them into a meaning-making sequence. It's a wireless connection, downloading from this soft thing in my skull to these pixels on the screen.
I used to write a lot. Every week since elementary school until the end of high school. Every week we'd have this assignment: write a “weekly essay (周记)” — sometimes with a given topic, sometimes nothing, you could write about anything. I always find myself looking for ideas at the start of the week. Anything that triggers an emotion can be a potential topic to write about. The word limit is 400-800 Chinese characters. I was very good at writing these essays. I always get good points, and the teacher will use my essay as a model to read in front of the classroom. I was a model writer as long as I can remember, since the first time I wrote an essay. I guess you can call that a “talent,” and I believe I had teachers telling me so at some point. I never knew why I was good or how I became good. I never took lessons, while many of my peers attended classes to learn how to write. I read a lot and I have some feelings about words. When I read passages I really like, I will recite them even though no one asked me to. I just liked words, and words liked me back by flowing from my brain to my fingertips. I know what reads well, and I know what triggers tears and emotions.
It was a pleasure to have my language class teacher be my reader every week. I distinctly remember when I submitted my last “weekly essay” assignment in my senior year of college, I thought to myself, “there will no longer be a dedicated reader like my teacher”, and it did become this way. After high school, I flew across the globe to come to the United States for college. UC Berkeley was a top school, and the courses were demanding. With a busy schedule, I lost the habit of writing weekly essays once I no longer had my dedicated reader.
I must mention here that I did not study humanity or literature as a major. I studied physics and computer science. I distinctly remember making this active choice not to pursue a literary career in high school, even though my teacher really hoped I could. The reason I did not follow my so-called talent or my teacher's suggestion is that there were two interrelated reasons. For one, much of my writing came from emotion, not from a comprehensive and critical understanding of the world, history, and politics. I can write essays that make people sad, happy, or mad, only because I am tender when it comes to feeling and understanding how others would feel. I cannot write true essays — essays that require thinking, critical thinking, and critical thinking that is built on a holistic understanding of how the world works. I know, without those understandings and knowledge, my writing talent is not sustainable. I want to write as a thinker, not an emotional triggerer (if that's a word).
Another reason I chose not to pursue humanity is that, to some degree, we all know that the history and politics we learn at school are censored. You hit a wall and get “shush shush” when you ask too many questions and dig too deep into an event or a statement. Challenge is not encouraged. I found it hard to build genuine interest when you are not allowed to dig as deeply as you can or ask as many questions as you can. You see, here I don't mean that, after asking too many questions, you eventually hit unknown; I mean that sometimes some questions cannot be asked. Knowing my critical thinking is limited when it comes to humanity, I gave up my hobby of literature.
You can probably see how science is a whole different story. You learn the same Physics wherever you are on this planet; they can rewrite history, but they can't rewrite Physics. With science, you can ask as many questions as you want. Thus, I had no regrets about not pursuing a career in literature but chose to pursue science. It got me this far, and I am still doing it almost 15 years later.
Now, we were talking about writing, correct? When I think about the time I lost on writing since college, I feel a sense of regret. Only if I had continued to write weekly since I was 18, how different my skills and perspectives would be. But you know how they say that the best time to plant a tree is 10 years ago; the second-best time is now. Here I have reached 1000+ words on this essay, and may it be the beginning of a new journey. Maybe I will have my readers this time.
-– Feather Wiz
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